toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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