dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
