Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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