Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
