We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize