the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
