Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
