You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My balls are so social today.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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