don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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