I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
