I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
