i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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