I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
