god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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