Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
