If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
