Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
