i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
