and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
