You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
