My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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