This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
