This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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