That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
