i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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