im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
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my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!