My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.