why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
