i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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