Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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