So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
