Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
