She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
