I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
