Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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