So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
