Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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