Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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