I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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