He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
