I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
