yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
