i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
