Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
