Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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