you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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