I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize