we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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