Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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