What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
