my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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