I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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