Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
