He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
